School Camps

Yr 7 PE, A9

I have four students. The reason being that they’ve just finished a three-day camp yesterday, it’s a school sports day today, and tomorrow’s a public holiday. I guess after all that the parents figured, why bother? The teacher’s instructions say “Probably no one. Try Workbook p15”. I abandon that idea and just spend the time talking to the kids, asking them how the camp went, etc.

I’ve got Dylan, Scott, Hayley and Kimberly. Dylan’s a bit of a rebel: he tells me about the various adventures he got up to on the camp, including raids on the other huts and disturbing the animals on their visit to Healesville Sanctuary. The girls enthuse about the animals they got to touch – wombats, koalas, emus, even a snake. Scott’s a fairly straight, sensible kid. He asks to go to his locker and get a book. He doesn’t participate so much in the conversation.

I try relating some of my own stories about camps I’ve been on, but they don’t seem to be interested in what I have to say. Can’t say I blame them, but it’s strange how a lot of the older students can’t seem to stop asking me questions when I have them.

So anyway, I find out lots about this camp. There was square-dancing (Dylan tells me he and a mate dressed up as girls in mini-skirts); one student got injured mucking around on a trampoline (typical); the food was okay but the eggs were like custard (one boy kept eating everyone else’s vegetables); and the teachers woke the students up with their constant noise in the early hours of the morning (hmm, it’s usually the other way around!).

Nice Jumper

Yr 10 Math, A5

I’m about ten minutes late for class! The reason being that I thought I had year 8 Music, which is actually the next period. It’s okay though: I get to the class and the kids have seated themselves and are working quietly. I write some instructions on the board: ‘Finish 5.4, 5.5. Review questions 1 – 6.’ Oh-oh, they’ve started to muck around! No time to write, gotta sort this out…

I’m back. It was Andre, he was taking off the edging from around his table. He broke a bit off and used it as a sword to prod others. I stood in front of him and made him put it all back.

Now some girls are playing up, fighting each other. I think they’re doing it for my benefit. One of them, Amber, is always saying hello to me when I see her. She’s very friendly and we get along well. I go over to them and chastise them. I warn Amber I’ll move her if she continues. She smiles, touches my jumper and says, “It feels nice.” Megan, her friend, laughs. I tell her it’s just a woollen jumper and go back to my desk.

Almost all of them are getting restless now. It’s not surprising: the reports are all done and they have work experience next week. There’s not much time left so I give in and let them do what they want. Alenushka (yes, that’s her name!) decides to see what’s going on in the room adjoining this one. She parts the flimsy rollback door and talks to the teacher next door.

Meanwhile, Andre’s fighting with his mate Derek. I tell them both to go outside and sort out their problems. They leave laughing and incredulous. I wonder if I did the right thing.  What if they really start fighting out there? Was I irresponsible? They come back in soon after, it looks like they’ve worked out their problems.

Just enough time for a quick Top 5. Oh, by the way, High Fidelity was on tv the other night, and I watched it again. Such a great flick. It speaks so eloquently to anal, list-making music obsessives like me.

Top 5 Sci Fi books (one per author)

The Dispossessed, Ursula Le Guin
Sirens of Titan – Kurt Vonnegut Jr
Martian Time-Slip – Philip Dick
A Canticle For Leibowitz – Walter Miller Jr
An Alien Heat – Michael Moorcock

I had to make this one per author, otherwise they’d probably all be Ursula Le Guin’s (my favourite author). Not a bad list, for short notice. It’ll do for now.

The Night Tolkien Died

Yr 9 Maths, T2

They have a worksheet on Index Laws, whatever they are – something about simplifying algebra equations (I was never a good maths student!). I start off by reminding the students that, contrary to popular opinion, when I show up that does not mean there’s no work. I hold up the worksheets they are to do as evidence, and say “I have it here”. I then say “But it looks like it’s pretty easy, so if you finish quickly then you can have a bludge.” This seems to satisfy them and they settle down to work.

Before long a couple of boys have finished. One requests to go to his locker to get a book to read. The other wants to go to the library to get a book he has had on order for two months. He’s champing at the bit to go, but I say no, telling him he can surely wait a couple of hours. He pleads, so I make a deal with him: if I’ve read it or I know the book I’ll let him go. It turns out it is a book I know, if haven’t read – Soldier Boy, by Anthony Hill. He goes.

I receive the pink roll sheet that the students have been passing around and writing their names on. Some wag has included as part of the class Osama Bin Laden, Saddam Hussain, Hitler, plus George W Bush and Tony Blair. I remark that it’s all correct – they’re all bad guys. Some kids question this, but I stand my ground.

The other boy comes back from his locker with a book, The Night Tolkien Died. I’m intrigued, so I ask to look at it. I tell the boy to go away so I can read the title story. He seems a bit indignant, but complies. I happily pass the time browsing through the book till the bell.

Cinema Show

Yr 7 PE, C7

This is kinda interesting: I have a tag-team situation with Kate, a scrumptiously gorgeous substitute (unfortunately, married) who I’ve known for a while on the rounds. We’re instructed to show a video (Harry Potter) to our respective groups. I go down the gym to round them up while Kate sets the video up in the designated classroom. When I finally get them to the room Kate has set it out beautifully, with chairs all arranged in order like a cinema. I make a quip about popcorn being for sale in the foyer, and Kate joins in, saying something about programmes being available.

We encounter our first glitch when the video machine doesn’t seem to play the tape properly – it keeps stopping. I volunteer to get the other machine in a room nearby. It’s locked up in a cupboard, but I quickly gain the keys. Problem is, once I’ve opened the padlock I still can’t open the door – the latch has been bent by some hoon. I go off to the tech department in search of a hammer. Eventually, after some hammering, I get the door open and roll the new machine into the waiting class, where Kate has been keeping the kids occupied with a few rounds of Celebrity Heads.

Kate tries the tape again and it turns out the problem is with the tape – it doesn’t play properly! I volunteer again to go off in search of a different tape – any tape – amidst sundry, mostly unrealistic suggestions from the students about what to get. I go to the staffroom next door and find Back To The Future. Good enough! I’m back before Kate has got her game of Celebrity Heads well under way, and we finally settle down to watch the film. It’s nearly fifteen minutes before the end of the first period when the movie starts. Luckily, it’s a double period for us. The kids complain predictably about my choice of movie, but it keeps them occupied until the end of the second period.

What a lot of mucking around just to show one bloody video!

Jelly Lick Aerobics

Yr 8 Aerobics, Room 11

It’s a class of young aerobics girls. They have to write up a report about their recent trip to an aerobics presentation at Melbourne College. They seem like a nice bunch of friendly girls and most set to the task, albeit noisily. I chat amiably with the girls sitting in front of me.

To my surprise, one girl up the back gets out a packet of jelly crystals and starts licking up a handful like sugar. Before long other girls are grabbing handfuls and doing the same. So I’m sitting here watching a bunch of young girls sticking out their long tongues lapping up jelly crystals like thirsty kittens. Just hold that picture for a second…

I make some brief notes for this afternoon while they work and/or lick: ‘Buy cereal, cash check, scan more photos, listen to girlsongs, watch Brides of Christ and Jamie’s Kitchen tape.’ Jeez, how mundane! Anyway, the girlsongs thing is in aid of a sixties girl group compilation I’m compiling. I’ve got the best of the Shangri-Las, the Chiffons, the Shirelles, the Angels, the Ronettes, the Crystals, the Dixie Cups and more. It’s gonna kick ass!

The licking ends and most get back to work. One girl up front speculates to her friend what having this class of loud, giggling girls must be like for me. She suggests a nightmare. I think to myself, well, I think something else...

I write up some Buffy lists:

Top 5 Buffy Villians

Spike
Angelus
Glory
The Master
The Gentlemen

Top 5 Buffy Babes

Buffy
Willow
Faith
Kennedy
Dawn

I wanted to include Anya here (I liked her in the early days), but I’ve kind of gone off her lately. God, what am I gonna do when the show ends? Is there a Buffy withdrawal service somewhere?

Typing Tutor

Yr 10 Keyboarding, E3

I’ve got a Keyboarding group, they’re all – or most of them – using some fancy typing tutor. Boy, keyboarding’s come a long way from when I used to do it and we had real type writers. The typing program these kids are using has all these whizz-bang special effects and animations happening to keep the little darlings happy while they type what it tells them to type. They can choose from all kinds of funny background scenarios, like sharks and cowboys, and there’s one where a starship blows up various objects in space, depending on whether the kids get their typing right.

Even so, some kids aren’t happy, they think it’s boring. Typical. I have to keep an eye on some of them, who are trying to sneak onto the internet, while others are sneaking goes at a paint program and others are playing Mario. I speak to the Mario players, who say they’re just having a break. I let them go – I can see they have been working.

A girl on the other side of the room complains about the Mario players (ie: how come they get to play games, while we work). I tell you, it doesn’t matter what you do, someone’s always gonna be unhappy.

I walk past an unattended computer which has the screen saver on. It’s a revolving text message that loops and twists around the screen, changing colours and size as it goes. It says ‘Lesbian Muff’.

Me And The Captain

Year 11 Maths, B10

Well, this is weird: I turn up to class, but the students don’t. I check the timetable, in case I got it wrong, but no, this is where they should be. I go looking for them – the library, the gym, etc – but all the year elevens I find say they’ve got a spare. For all I know some of them were my students pretending not to be – I wouldn’t know, I haven’t even got a class list. I go back to class where it’s still empty. Suits me; makes for a nice easy class and I’m still getting paid for it. It is boring though sitting here in an empty classroom, so I write up a list.

Top 10 Captain Beefheart tunes

Moonlight On Vermont
Big-eyed Beans From Venus
Dirty Blue Gene
The Blimp
Neon Meat Dream of a Octafish
Abba Zaba
Tropical Hot Dog Night
Ashtray Heart
Sue Egypt
Old Fart At Play

Love the Captain. I’m planning on doing my own Beefheart-esque tunes soon, using lyrics taken from stuff I’ve written in class about students I know. A couple of titles so far are ‘Nickel Rose’ and ‘Nay OmiO’.

The monotony is broken by a couple of year seven girls acting as roll monitors. They stand uncertainly at the door, not sure if they should come in. I tell them my students have run away. They’re amazed. While I write down the entry in the roll one girl writes something on the blackboard. It says: “Brooke is gay, very gay.”