Jelly Lick Aerobics

Yr 8 Aerobics, Room 11

It’s a class of young aerobics girls. They have to write up a report about their recent trip to an aerobics presentation at Melbourne College. They seem like a nice bunch of friendly girls and most set to the task, albeit noisily. I chat amiably with the girls sitting in front of me.

To my surprise, one girl up the back gets out a packet of jelly crystals and starts licking up a handful like sugar. Before long other girls are grabbing handfuls and doing the same. So I’m sitting here watching a bunch of young girls sticking out their long tongues lapping up jelly crystals like thirsty kittens. Just hold that picture for a second…

I make some brief notes for this afternoon while they work and/or lick: ‘Buy cereal, cash check, scan more photos, listen to girlsongs, watch Brides of Christ and Jamie’s Kitchen tape.’ Jeez, how mundane! Anyway, the girlsongs thing is in aid of a sixties girl group compilation I’m compiling. I’ve got the best of the Shangri-Las, the Chiffons, the Shirelles, the Angels, the Ronettes, the Crystals, the Dixie Cups and more. It’s gonna kick ass!

The licking ends and most get back to work. One girl up front speculates to her friend what having this class of loud, giggling girls must be like for me. She suggests a nightmare. I think to myself, well, I think something else...

I write up some Buffy lists:

Top 5 Buffy Villians

Spike
Angelus
Glory
The Master
The Gentlemen

Top 5 Buffy Babes

Buffy
Willow
Faith
Kennedy
Dawn

I wanted to include Anya here (I liked her in the early days), but I’ve kind of gone off her lately. God, what am I gonna do when the show ends? Is there a Buffy withdrawal service somewhere?

Typing Tutor

Yr 10 Keyboarding, E3

I’ve got a Keyboarding group, they’re all – or most of them – using some fancy typing tutor. Boy, keyboarding’s come a long way from when I used to do it and we had real type writers. The typing program these kids are using has all these whizz-bang special effects and animations happening to keep the little darlings happy while they type what it tells them to type. They can choose from all kinds of funny background scenarios, like sharks and cowboys, and there’s one where a starship blows up various objects in space, depending on whether the kids get their typing right.

Even so, some kids aren’t happy, they think it’s boring. Typical. I have to keep an eye on some of them, who are trying to sneak onto the internet, while others are sneaking goes at a paint program and others are playing Mario. I speak to the Mario players, who say they’re just having a break. I let them go – I can see they have been working.

A girl on the other side of the room complains about the Mario players (ie: how come they get to play games, while we work). I tell you, it doesn’t matter what you do, someone’s always gonna be unhappy.

I walk past an unattended computer which has the screen saver on. It’s a revolving text message that loops and twists around the screen, changing colours and size as it goes. It says ‘Lesbian Muff’.

Me And The Captain

Year 11 Maths, B10

Well, this is weird: I turn up to class, but the students don’t. I check the timetable, in case I got it wrong, but no, this is where they should be. I go looking for them – the library, the gym, etc – but all the year elevens I find say they’ve got a spare. For all I know some of them were my students pretending not to be – I wouldn’t know, I haven’t even got a class list. I go back to class where it’s still empty. Suits me; makes for a nice easy class and I’m still getting paid for it. It is boring though sitting here in an empty classroom, so I write up a list.

Top 10 Captain Beefheart tunes

Moonlight On Vermont
Big-eyed Beans From Venus
Dirty Blue Gene
The Blimp
Neon Meat Dream of a Octafish
Abba Zaba
Tropical Hot Dog Night
Ashtray Heart
Sue Egypt
Old Fart At Play

Love the Captain. I’m planning on doing my own Beefheart-esque tunes soon, using lyrics taken from stuff I’ve written in class about students I know. A couple of titles so far are ‘Nickel Rose’ and ‘Nay OmiO’.

The monotony is broken by a couple of year seven girls acting as roll monitors. They stand uncertainly at the door, not sure if they should come in. I tell them my students have run away. They’re amazed. While I write down the entry in the roll one girl writes something on the blackboard. It says: “Brooke is gay, very gay.”